The Ways I've Worked part deux

A Look into my attempt at Electrical Contracting

I have a confession. I don’t want to work. I’ve never found a paying job that I was capable of making a suitable living in that I enjoyed so much as to do it every day- besides sod farming.  I’m not saying it doesn’t exist, just that it seems too far out of reach for me in my current situation. Even if that job exists, I don’t want to do it, working for someone else. If I work for someone else, even in my ideal job, the pervasive and nagging feeling of being trapped would torture me.  I’ve found plenty of things to enjoy in other jobs I have had. The electrical field has many aspects that I enjoy on some level. But when I work for someone no amount of enjoyment makes me want to be there anymore. The feeling of being stuck, having to run out the clock for some arbitrary idea of usefulness, is a crushing burden. I have been on jobs where there is no real work to do except to pick up garbage. Ya, we got paid well for it, but to me, it wasn’t worth it. I would have rather been at home accomplishing something and foregone the pointless work of wasting time. I have never been good at sitting and waiting to get to the end of the day.  It is more stressful than being busy.  I need a direction and a goal, or else I need the freedom to make my own.  

The sense of freedom to make my own goal, and set my direction has been the best part of being “self-employed.”  I wrote a short post on Instagram one day while I sat in the passenger seat of my little work van on my way to a job.  It was a rare instance where I got someone else to drive and I had some time to think.  After posting and re-reading it, I decided that it sounded overly optimistic. Not as self-aggrandizing as something you would see on LinkedIn, but I didn’t feel like it honestly communicated the real struggle that I have had in the endeavor or my honest feelings about it. 

 

The truth is, I hate it, sometimes.  I have what I feel is a debilitating sense of imposter syndrome. I know the stuff pretty well, but I’m sensitive to harsh criticism.  It doesn’t even have to be directed at me. I can’t follow electrician forums online because “tradies” in particular, seem to have a nasty proclivity to harsh judgments of others' work. I suspect they use it as a mechanism to combat their unrealized feelings of inadequacy. When I read some random electrician on the internet responding to a question with,” If you even have to ask that question, you shouldn’t be doing electrical work!” It first, enrages me that the respondent thinks this is a reasonable response to someone asking for honest input and advice. Although I disagree with this ignorant statement, It settles hard on me.  It makes me question my legitimacy and my work because there are frequent times that I have to search for answers. My sensitivity to this has improved over the two years I have operated the business. Over those two years; I have lost twenty pounds, put them all back on, and suffered endlessly with finding a way to make myself sleep. I’ve felt nearly suicidal, overwhelmed, and completely lost. I’ve had short periods of euphoric optimism, that will suddenly disappear and abandon me to fall back into self-doubt.  I’ve found that my fatigue has alot to do with my overall outlook.  I had a cold recently, it sucked all of my energy, but with it went my motivation. I didn’t want to think about work, jobs, obligations, or employees.

I have lost the ability to deal with any additional stress. I lost much of that with the death of my niece Savanna.  I never dealt well with sad movies, they would stick with me for days. Now, I can’t deal with Police procedural dramas without them overwhelming me.  I retreat to rewatching animated comedy episodes to take my mind off the stresses that bind me.  The other night my heart settled into a weird fast-slow beat that left me feeling like I was hyperventilating. I didn’t dare go to sleep afraid that I would wake up dead. Eventually, I did some quick push-ups and squats that normalized the rhythm and settled my fears.  The problem is, I’ve never experienced that problem before. I’m afraid that I’m not dealing with the stress in a very healthy way, and the heart rhythm abnormality was just a symptom of my stress and anxiety taking its toll on my health. 

 

I’ve considered abandoning the business and finding something simple, but that doesn’t seem like an improvement.  The best outcome from that scenario is that I could leave the work behind on Friday and after work, but I would be trapped again.  I would be stuck with that feeling of indenture, owing my life to a clock. Perpetually going through the same cycle, day after day, allowed a fixed allotment of time each day, each week, each year.  It would not be my life, but something I must go through to earn my freedom.  

I’ve tried meditating, it just lets me hear the tinnitus that I try to ignore and turns on the blender in my brain.  I could probably benefit from a counselor, but I don’t have the time or ability to schedule one more thing in my life, I struggle enough with scheduling jobs.  Cycling and exercise help, but I have trouble prioritizing that time when I feel guilty for having so little time or patience for my girls while they are growing up so fast, and I’m tired, or occupied with trying to find a way through life that doesn’t leave me feeling depressed and stuck. All of these feelings make me feel even worse when I see the noble “hustlers” who brag about their success because they “saw their vision and chased it.”  I suppose that is my problem  This business wasn’t the result of a lifetime of passion and righteous ambition.  It was a means to an end; a last-ditch attempt at a decent income without the torture of belonging to someone else.  An opportunity to see my efforts once again return more than an hourly pay. I live each day with a metaphorical parachute on my back.  Ready to bail at any moment.  It’s not a recipe for success, I’m well aware of that. <Deleted cynical rant on self-help books and “business leadership conferences>

 

Shit, I’m a downer.  So before you reach out with advice, or tell me to meditate, please don’t.  I’m not begging for help.  I’ve wanted to write about my experience in the business thus far, and this is how it has come out.  I have written or attempted a dozen different iterations on the subject. Still, they all seem to result in a chronological record of how I now, find myself here.  I wanted to cover my difficulties with marketing, some of the interesting interactions I’ve had, and the disgusting living situations that I’ve happened upon, and quite literally waded through, but it came out as this.  I welcome your thoughts, experiences, or jokes, but I’m sure I’ve considered most courses of action, and having someone tell me “You just need to do this” serves only to feed my imposter syndrome.

Original Instagram Post:

We started the business a year and a half ago. It's been an adventure,  not like a guided river trip adventure,  more like a survival movie where you are stranded in the middle of the desert trying to figure out where to go and fighting to keep going. It's been more work than just working a job, but it is easier to get through the days. Maybe it's the fact that success is directly tied to my efforts, or it's the constant stress and not wanting to let people down that keep me moving forward. I've given less time to cycling,  climbing,  photography,  and all of my other personal projects. I think I've spent more time with the family,  mostly because I don't have to leave the house at 4:30 am. I get to wake up and have breakfast with them,  sometimes I get to take my oldest to school, or I watch the toddler while Kristine makes the school run. 

I've wanted to give up and just resign myself to a job and the mental torture it put me through more times than I can count. At the end of the day,  despite the late nights on the computer after working all day,  and the stress about making it all work and trying to preserve some personal time,  the business has made my life better. It's making me work on my weaknesses like my fear of planning and commitment, my imposter syndrome that dictates my every action, and my struggles with organization.

The part I like most about the business is how many great people I meet. The guys at the parts house,  customers from all types of places and backgrounds, and other contractors. I've never been one to have many close relationships,  but it doesn't take much for me to consider someone a friend. I often end up in deep discussions on philosophy,  life, and family with customers or acquaintances while I'm changing light fixtures or chasing a bad connection. I love leaving a job, having learned something, or having had a connection with someone.